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"You know my name..."

The Council for World Domination is quite possibly the worst evil organization ever conceived. Just look at the name; it's a council devoted to taking over the world. Is it some kind of agency or social program for bad guys? Do the villains have to be part of a union? Do they go on strike when their nefarious deeds don't bring in enough money? Crime doesn't pay, after all. It's not like they're particularly fearsome either; the majority of the mooks you'll come across are blatant KGB knockoffs wielding peashooters and grenades. Even the Council's emblem resembles the USSR's flag. Considering how this game takes place in 1980's America, that probably shouldn't be surprising. As utterly generic and unimaginative as they may be, however, the commies--er, Council have invaded Washington DC and plan to wipe it out with a nuclear missile.

Instead of sending out the military to wipe out the terrorists, the government has ordered Sly Spy to handle everything. One man versus an entire army of Russian terrorists hardly seems fair, but Sly has one huge advantage: he's a James Bond wannabe. Specifically of Roger Moore. Seriously, look at the box art or the screenshots sometime. A handsome pointing a gun, a sultry woman, and a red sports car. They practically scream, “Hey everyone, look at me! I'm shamelessly ripping off James Bond!“ But since Data East would've been slapped with copyright infringement, they made sure that Sly was just original enough to stand on his own. That's probably why the first level has him skydiving into Washington DC (sending down a hail of bullet-ridden Russian corpses along the way) using an American flag as a parachute. That makes him American. James Bond, on the other hand, would never use the Stars and Stripes as a parachute; he's British. They're completely different!

Ooh, Data East. Aren't you clever.

After you've gotten into Washington, you'll find yourself surrounded by dozens of enemies. Unlike other fictional terrorists, these guys don't bother with covert ops or anything resembling secrecy. Instead, they eagerly leap forward and attempt to assassinate you with predictable attacks. Most of them fire off a few rounds or grenades before walking off-screen. A handful of them mix things up with hoverpacks and bazookas. Some of the tougher ones ditch the typical weaponry and try punching you into submission. Not to mention the animals. Not only do you have to slaughter several attack dogs, but there are sharks and tigers as well. No, really. Attack tigers. Despite having several enemies and deadly projectiles on the screen, you shouldn't have much trouble killing everything. Sly's ability to duck and jump makes even the deadliest attacks easy to dodge. Since nearly all of the non-boss enemies keel over from a single hit, you'll be able to mow down tons of targets in the blink of an eye.

Some of your hapless victims will leave behind items. You'll typically find extra ammunition, but you won't really need it. Unless you're overly trigger-happy or a poor shot, you won't run out of bullets. If you do, Sly will switch to his ridiculously overpowered Kung Fu moveset and save the world with his bare hands. You'll occasionally come across glowing pickups that serve as parts for a more powerful weapon. Collect them all, and you'll unlock the Golden Gun. No, seriously. The Golden Gun. Sly was bad enough of a Bond rip-off as it is, but this? Shameless. At least it's not a pistol. Instead, it's an oversized laser gun. Shooting fireballs is fun, even if the enemies can be taken down with the default gun just as easily. You'll won't get to wield it for long, either; the power-up runs on a timer, giving you only a few precious seconds to enjoy Data East's utter disregard for copyright laws.

Speaking of which, movie aficionados ought to play a drinking game with regards to all the other references. The second boss is clearly Jaws from The Spy Who Loved Me, though he his arms are just as metallic as his teeth. Another is a poorly rendered Oddjob from Goldfinger. Those are probably the two biggest highlights of an otherwise bland and generic presentation. The Thunderball-esque scuba sequences are interesting in that you're killing people with a harpoon gun and narrowly dodging sharks, but they're overused and offer little in terms of design or creativity. The high point in the game is the third stage, which has you riding a motorcycle, murdering evil bikers, and pursuing a black sedan filled with bazooka-toting terrorists. It lets you dodge oncoming fire by veering into the next lane (complete with the necessary animation) but limits your ability to fire back. It's one of the few moments in the game in which you're not mindlessly mashing the attack button or jumping awkwardly out of harm's way. It's sad that more creative effort wasn't put into the other levels.

Instead, this feels like nothing more than a cheap, poorly designed homage. It attempts to take the best aspects of the movies and tries to make them into an equally awesome game. Instead, they got a half-assed arcade shooter. It's pathetically easy; the enemy movements are predictable, your attacks are overpowered even without the upgraded weapons, and levels offer nothing in terms creativity or challenge. Not even the bosses, two of whom are based on some of the most iconic baddies in cinema, don't make things entertaining. But hey, maybe I expect too much. This isn't James Bond, after all.


Reviewer's Score: 6/10 | Originally Posted: 04/26/10

Game Release: Sly Spy: Secret Agent (EU, 1990)