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"Your body hates you and wants to kill you."

Parasite Eve, for all intents and purposes, is a playable B-movie. You know, like the ones you see on the Sci-Fi Channel about snakes made out of lava or killer bat zombies. It's a vehicle for cheap, gruesome, kickass shocks wrapped around a plot that is so dense and nonsensical that it may actually trick you into thinking it's great. Thankfully, the game amounts to more than just a wacky mutant romp, and in some ways it demonstrates some polish and restraint that I don't think I've ever seen in another post-SNES Squaresoft title.

I suppose I do harbor a little bit of undue hatred toward Parasite Eve because it cements that sneaking suspicion that Final Fantasy 7 suggested in me: Squaresoft's writing team is full of a bunch of crazies. The crux of this game's plot, to grossly oversimplify, is that mitochondria have been using the human race as a vessel for innumerable years and have finally had it with our bumbling. Basically, your main antagonist throughout this game is a load of pissed-off cells. The game artfully suggests through its opening sequence that you'll be put to task by a biologically demented actress, but this is only half-true; you pretty much chase her around New York and fix her genetic mishaps. The first half hour you spend at the opera house sets the gold standard for Parasite Eve, proving itself to be atmospheric and involving despite a storyline that becomes incredibly goofy. The music is haunting, the graphics remarkable and the foes unique and hideous.

The game is broken up into six chapters, an approach that I think suits it pretty well. Too much uninterrupted cellular chaos would probably be really overwhelming after a while. But even with this structuring, the plot of this game is extremely dense and with almost no positive returns. The characters sit around and talk, talk, talk about mitochondria and adverse reactions and spontaneous combustion and it just couldn't be more boring. Squaresoft wasn't necessarily wrong in wanting to make a "cinematic RPG", but they should have come up with a story that wasn't complete hokum first. Granted, it's a great vehicle for some really cool images, FMVs and foes; I guess the protracted talking sequences do count for something. But seriously, I don't want to spend ten minutes reading about why Aya's body isn't bursting into flames while everyone else's is.

It's probably a good thing, then, that this game is as short as it is. When it came out, the playtime was a source of gamer hysteria. Everyone HATED that you could beat this in, at absolute most, ten hours. (I ran through it in eight.) Putting it into perspective, I'd probably be kind of irritated if I dropped fifty bucks on this game when it came out only to discover it could be beaten in one really long sitting. The length, however, has helped the game to age very gracefully. Imagine playing through forty or seventy hours of the agonizing dialogue, the somewhat static gameplay and the ridiculous plot. Frankly, Parasite Eve is as balanced as it could possibly be with its overstuffed story at the helm.

The most admirable aspect of this balance lies in Parasite Eve's combat system, which is simple but exciting. It takes place in pseudo-real time, somewhat like Vagrant Story, allowing Aya to avoid the attacks of her foes while waiting for her turn to come. She attacks primarily with guns, all of which bear different characteristics: firing speeds, range, and the amount of bullets stored in the chamber, to name a few. The equipment system is further deepened by an interesting customization system; through the use of Tools, you can disassemble old guns you're not using and add some of their characteristics to your current firearm. Take the Sleep side effect from your grenade launcher and put it on your pistol, or the boosted attack from your shotgun on your rifle. You have to use this feature intelligently, though, because it can get ugly if you don't. Making your shotgun fire seven times a round, for instance, but you're a sitting duck for attacks while Aya fires off all seven of those slow-ass shots. This customization also extends to armor, but not nearly to that much depth.

You can also cast spells, but sadly, the majority of them are useless. Confuse? Slow? Why bother? Just like status-inducing spells in every damn RPG ever, they don't serve a single purpose. I only found myself using the Healing spells and Detox, and near the end of the game I abused the battle-breaking Liberate. Trade in all my (recharging) Parasite Energy for an attack that does over 2000 damage? Sounds like a fair bargain to me! Because of this spell, sadly, the final few fights of the game are rendered pretty laughable - and Parasite Eve's not exactly challenging anyway.

Combat overall is intuitive, sleek and fun, though it may just be because you don't spent the better part of three weeks constantly encountering it. The simplicity of the affair would probably cause it to become a little boring after a while, which is why it's so great that Parasite Eve ends where it does. It doesn't give you a chance to be bored of it; just as the system begins to wear out its welcome, the game ends.

Exploration isn't too bad either, but it doesn't handle quite as smoothly. Finding items can be surprisingly difficult, as they're often tucked away in drawers or cabinets that just look like part of the background. There's an awful lot of backtracking and meandering exploration too. Worse yet, Aya runs pretty slowly, and her walking speed is a nightmare to behold. You want a challenge? Play through Parasite Eve doing nothing but walking; you won't be complaining about the game's length anymore, that's for sure. The molasses-paced movement is probably intentional, so that you don't blast right through the game's atmosphere, and for that I'm kind of thankful. Still, it wouldn't have killed them to pick it up just a little bit...

Parasite Eve is also devoid of sidequests, unapologetically linear. This isn't really a problem given the game's "cinematic RPG" aspirations, but it kind of damages the replay value. There's one twenty-minute jaunt in a warehouse if you want to pick up a rocket launcher (recommended), and after you beat the game you can venture the incredibly tedious Chrysler Building. Apparently once you reach the 77th floor, a new part of the plot is divulged to you, but I could barely get to the 20th before I gave up.

On the whole, though, Parasite Eve is a great little gaming experience. It's not the scenery-chewing behemoth of an RPG that the Final Fantasies have proved themselves to be, which proved a curse in its infancy and a blessing ten years later. It is a flawed but easily appreciated side story in Squaresoft's collection, one that every relatively patient Playstation fan could do with throwing eight hours at. And even if they don't, then surely their enraged mitochondria will force them to at one point or another. Was that too silly? Yeah, it's Parasite Eve, you're gonna have to live with it.

Reviewer's Score: 7/10, Originally Posted: 02/04/08

Game Release: Parasite Eve (US, 09/09/98)